The 6% was me settling down into my pillow indulging in a fantasy of the fantasy. ...
I'm going to use this little space to get it all out of system(hopefully). List/paraphrase everything I ever heard him say, every interaction we ever had(all three, maybe six if you count his little waves).
So. Yeah this should be fun. I actually had this idea yesterday and had gotten to a point this morning where maybe I could have begun to let go. It's painful, it's not conducive to healthy mental or emotional growth and it's sucking energy that I could be using to help me reach my personal goals and goals as a mother... I got to work and felt beaten by the 'story' I had conceived and was tired anyway... But then I went to put my food in the refridgerator and I saw him, in I guess what was 'dress down' clothes(I think he has off on Fridays), a trend-graphic print gray t-shirt and jeans and some sort of longish beaded necklace.
He looked animated as I went to walk by him, waiting for the elevator. He saw me and got excited and went to give me a high-five. ! Always catching me off-guard with his exuberance, this guy. And I had just been thinking, sadly, how nice it would be to be a part of someone's life who greeted me with such exuberance. I high-fived him awkwardly, and laughed. "what?!" or was "sorry!! I'm in a good mood!" "Well, that's good!" I said, laughing. Then, as I walked pass him and the elevator, I heard him say, "come on! dude, I've been waiting forever!" and saw the blonde haired lady/girl (mid-thirties, a little more on her later) walking to meet him, probably for breakfast in the cafeteria.
The first time I remember was when I was walking at my previously usual breakneck speed, intently focused on some pressing task taking up space in my head. Since the 'incident' with mr.weirdo my tendency to keep my head down, avoid eye contact and stay away from people, while trying to be polite, nice and smile kindly -but not enough to allow too much of an opening for conversation- has gone from 'introverted characteristic' to an all-out rule. So I saw that there was someone behind me head towards the door to the stairwell, but he was far enough back for me to not feel obliged to hold the door... I would have been standing there for what would have been an awkward amount of time, making whoever I was being so kind for think that I wanted to talk. So the door slammed. I headed down. It opened with its notorious squeak and he says, teasing, "thanks for holding that door!" Something like that. So I feel a little bad, maybe more embarrassed, for a pang, a split second later I realize that its a guy and he's probably doing some flirt teasing of the 'little pretty girl' who may be charmed by that bullshit. (being fucked with is not fun, and being the fucker does not make you cute.except that in this case...) I do my notorious(well, not, but I know the faces I make to seem animated in social situations) "Oh! I'm soorry!" he laughs, I laugh. What a ... Leave me alone, I was thinking at the time. I don't have time for this, and its crap.
Two other times: I can't remember which one came before or after, which I think would be important... Kara was sick, I had been called down to get her and was talking on the phone urgently to Kurt (who, it is important to know is still jealous, distrustful and resentful -been tip-toeing around that broken glass for a year and a half now) I knew guy was in front of me on the stairwell, but I was trying to sort something urgent, important and daughter-related out on the phone. When I neared the bottom guy must have turned around, maybe his friends had pointed me out? (I'm wondering about some of his friends, what do they say?) "THERE SHE IS!!!" In what I have come to know is his exuberant way, so loud, in front of a lot of people. How do you have the lack of inhibition to do something like that? (I don't know if I'm horrified or more in appreciative awe.) I was on the phone with Kurt and stomach twisting skin tingling dread washed over me. Had he heard that? I tried to cover it up "hold on people are talking really loud i can"t hear you" and i was astonished that he didn"t notice the "loud excited< happy to see me guy who I had hurried past, without making eye contact, pretending to ignore the whole bizarre situation. (I mean, what really was going on there? What would have been a normal reaction to that?) I was resigned to feeling angry about that, about what could have happened and how awful it could have turned out and how could someone act so inappropriately? But I’m wondering, thinking probably, he got the embarrassment of the situation and feels bad. He was noticeably more subdued and until this morning has never been close to that exuberant since. The other: I was making tea, and came up alongside the counter and picked up my mug and said “Tea for me?” teasing. “Yeah!” I breathed and smiled.
And another time in the stairwell (before the shouting stairwell incident?), to his friends as we are heading up sort of together in our line, “So long to the third floor?! Doesn’t it seem like it takes a much longer time to get to the third floor?!!”
Then, the little, smileless, waist high waves, (like we were once friends who don’t really keep in touch anymore). Hearbreakingly obviously subdued. This is what got me. This is when I started thinking about the stairwell incident and wondering how he was feeling.
Before or after I noticed the little waves, I’m not sure, was the riding in the elevator with Kara. Now, this would have seemed hugely momentous to me. (Here’s the kid. You will love us.) But then it didn’t even register. “This is your daughter?” he had said. “Yes, this is Kara…” Again, way more subdued afterward. Probably the realization that with a young child, I must be in a relationship.
Then, sort of recently, I noticed the blonde woman. Walking with him a couple times, then leaning against the balcony (to me, this seems very public) I overheard her telling him something that may have been about an ex seeing his kids, “I just wish he would …with them…” He was making a really odd face: like overly animated concern. And gave me one of his ‘little waves’ when I walked past.
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