Words with Friends

I ran into him, finally -but after really forcing myself to.  And I knew, as I was wandering around to fullfill my petty calculations that I was hurting myself, losing ground on my dignity, erasing possibilities for mind to believe, and showing, specifically showing him, a sideways glance at a side of myself I am not proud of.
Talking to the blond haired woman again. And someone else.  I think about playing 'words with friends' (ha! put that in your pocket!)
I know now that I'm really looking for, craving, that exuberant excited showering of attention, that 'crazy about you' love.  I want it in excess so that I believe, I want someone, him, to work hard at convincing me.  Love.  True, quiet, bigger than any noise, calming, so sure and so true that there is nothing to do but live it out in utter bliss.
Well, I'm not getting it.  In his corner, its gone.  I cherish those memories, and I believe I always will.  Hopefully in the future without so much bitterness.  My stomach is turned, from seeing him and breaking my own heart with all this highhappy projection.  I would love to be able to apologize to him, and the chance to make it up to him.
I also want to know him.  What made him so brave?  Was that just a part of his personality? Like exuberance could be a personality trait, and any lucky fleeting 'fancy' of his can take it any way they like?
My already destroyed heart is breaking.  I know I have to let him go.  I'm afraid his bravery will come back to him and I won't be there to encourage him, to show him how grateful I am and to feel and take in the joy of it.  I am tired of pushing away joy.
Kurt and I watched an episode of The Office I had never seen, when Jim and Pam get married in Niagara Falls.  I got upset(inside) and teary eyed(outside, ie what Kurt saw), and Kurt said, smiling at me, "are you crying over Jim and Pam's wedding"...  How could he not understand, is the first thing I thought.  I will never have a wedding like that.  Or have someone who I can rest in the conviction of their true love for me.  Or someone I can love 'exuberantly' and passionately and utterly joyfully with no holds barred and no inhibitions or insecurities getting in the way, because I will be completely free of the fear of getting hurt. (by the way, 'getting hurt' does not even begin to describe the feeling I am afraid of. 'getting hurt' sounds paltry and trivial compared to what I have been through and even disrespectful to what I have endured, what I am enduring and what I will endure.
 It occurred to me, after trying to get into the whole 'everything is happening for a reason', 'waiting for something you want is okay if you know its right and it will happen eventually', that maybe and perhaps definitely, I am not ready for him yet.  If he got to know me, my nervousness and awkwardness, clinging, clenching, paralyzed by anticipation and dread and all the hurt that has come before.  With the way I feel now, after walking by him, knowing he was in a conversation and wouldn't talk to me let alone reiterate the 'crazy for you' sentiments that he had -(self-destructive?) I don't think I'm ready.  I don't feel ready. When I'm with him I want to feel confident, free to talk, happy, myself.  I want to be able to take him in and open up to him.  I definitely don't feel that now.
I want to be ready.  Somewhere, in my secret heart, sometimes I even secret way from myself, I believe, I allow myself to hope, that my happy heart life is just around the corner, coming at me, all I have to do is focus and wait and be ready to take it in when it comes.  'Being ready' is key.