Abundance Practice

After a horrible night with Kurt...

I'm at work, after a horrible yesterday with Robin -who probably unwisely has been my biggest confidante through all this- waiting for Francisco to contact me.  After all the sex bullshit yesterday I am feeling weak ground.  And tossed and turned at night thinking of him, ('yes, I want you too, but...'), I realized that I'm not mad at him for it.  I'm not mad at him.  For not coming by yesterday, for stopping in mid-conversation to talk to a young, pretty, happy blonde girl, for not calling, for all the(handful of) times he said he would come by, contact me but didn't.  Not mad.  A little frustrated.  I'm still crazy about him.  I still love him.  I still want him to be my life. I still want a chance with him.
Will he call me, text me, email me, something me today? The ultimate would be stopping by. Stopping by would be the hardest for him and the biggest gesture.  Will he? do anything? Or will I, at the end of the day, feeling defeated, stop to see him?  Knowing I am easy to push out of mind, not sure if it is the situation pushing back at him or a feeling of mediocre, not-quite-fitting importance.
I want to go to him because I need someone to talk to about what's going on, because I want to feel his concern, his compassion... let me see his strength, let it strengthen me as I go through this awful excruciating time in my life, let it calm the doubts that he could handle me completely, closely even after all this toxic 'drama' and reassure me that after all this is through there is no good reason that he and I could not be happy together.  I love him so.  He is unique... I will never 'get over' him.

Kurt cut himself yesterday.  Things aren't truly going well anyway. (How could they? I know I don't love him, and though I am open to seeing if he will ever move my heart, I need to be sure! and I am beginning to fall for someone else.)  Cut himself bad.  Like MUTILATED his leg.  And showed me.  Made me see the bloody towel.  Jealousy.  A barely perceptible attempt to hold back.

A 'you alive !!' text. ...want to do lunch again.  Maybe he does love me. Ha.
 Decided to stop by, Tara Price was there...? Marriage problems? I'm wondering about if she had just popped in like I do. She didn't know about going to lunch.  I copped out of going to Jalapenos, I really wanted to talk to him, or see if I could, about my 'situation' and that I was having 'issues day' and see if he could offer me any... anything. ...maybe a phone call later? or I could use my break to sit with him? A girl is allowed to dream right?
...he's so cute. 'Just go! won't be fun without you now lol. grr' response (I'm unsure about the wisdom of): 'Sorry. I'm having 'issues day'. That's no fun anyway.' Letting know I'm having a bad day is okay I guess.  Sort of a test line. We'll see.

Texting texting texting as he's waiting for Chris to go to lunch.  Kurt called while texting, the cutting has me pretty freaked... more texting.  the texting makes me happy. I can't get the image of Kurt's sliced up leg out of my mind.  Robin's ignoring me.  I'm hating her -just enough. (She came to his cube to get me yesterday all exasperated. Drama.) Now issues day has become he's 'kinda' having one too and now after I recommend hugs, 'I think you should hug me !!' then he 'went weird' and I texted him so.  Mistake? Could we talk it out eventually? I don't know but I hope so.  'Depends how good your pineapple is'.  The sexual innuendo is not me anyway, but when you're looking for more, much much more, its sad and annoying.  Even more so on 'issues day'.  He just (may<-hopehopesillyhope) have a lusty crush on me.  Could he have a tiny spark of an idea that I could be 'the one'?  When it comes down to how good my pineapple is and he should have rights like victoria has secrets: I just can't really believe so.  ...then again, he is a man...
'Only ur pineapples'. Which oddly enough, with all my 'I hate being looked up and down and immediately thought of as a fuck doll' issues, I immediately think of the devotion implied in his innuendo.