Before I flesh out the hows and whats, I need to do this:
I'm worried that I'm pushing something along, albeit inch by inch, that I'm not sure I may want stopped.
He gets 'giddy', and I guess I've used the word 'exuberant' before, which is adorable, and 'joyful', which is awesome and inspiring -and good to be around. But all this, I'm sure, could wear on a low key girl... like me. I'd hate to feel annoyance and regret at his happy over-reactions, and I'd hate for him to feel the pain of my changed regard for him. I don't want to be pushed, but how will this happen if he doesn't let me know what wants and how he feels. In my love story, I'm not sure I want to be the one blatantly putting myself out there. I need to be convinced. I know I need to open to convincing for that to happen. And besides all this, I'm not ready, my situation is not ready for him. I want this, but I want it slowly. I want to talk. I not only need the friendship right now (remember how frustrated I was that Kurt didn't want to talk to me about Rob? It was to the point of hurtful: this is what I'm going through right now, don't you care?), I truly want the friendship for my 'love story'. Now that I think about it, its absolutely essential.
He asked me out. I need time to process this, and to be mindful and aware of the huge changes happening in my life right now. I need to stop indulging -so often- in these (delicious) fantasies.
For Kara. Ever notice how giving yourself the goal of being a better mother really means being a better everything? A better person, a better cook, a better housekeeper, a better financial provider, better at being healthy, better at dealing with emotions, better at being prepared, better at setting goals and achieving them... Here's to the journey of 'better': examining where I am now and clarifying where I want to be while striving to get from here to there.
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