we won't break if we let go

I became a little worried about Frank, I hadn't seen him (at his cube, which I passed when I didn't see him in the first five minutes of the day) and his chair looked untouched, until after noon, when he was at his desk.  I found his number this number and let it ring until I got his voice message and cringed at the sound of his lovely voice.
I've been wondering about whether or not leaving him a thank you doodle is a good idea or not.  Maybe too stalkerish when a lot of other things I'm doing are definitely too stalkerish.  I know that I need to take the opportunity to talk to him and smile the next time I see him, but I'm afraid that I won't and the raging sorrow for the chance at something that would be good for me, make me happy (even if its just the warm light of receiving the positive vibes of a positive guy who has a crush on me and nothing more, let alone an intelligent friendship) will spiral me into a paralyzing depression.

But I always bounce back! I still have dreams... dreams of being healthy, wealthy and wise.
Kurt is as cold and closed off as ever.  The looming question of sex fills me with dread.  Did I mention how awful the weekend of the hurricane was?  I wanted him to look in my eyes and see how hurt I am, how much I need to be loved... And he failed.  Apparently he thinks he has some resentment to hold over me.  Rage.  Bottled, asphyxiating rage.  He is not remorseful for what he did to me, to our relationship.  He is a lazy thinker anyway, working towards loving me again probably seems to be an overly difficult task and not worth the effort.  Thinking about this rips my heart apart all over again.  I always cling to a tiny shred of hope for us, and wind up feeling worthless.  I think about him and what he must see in me: worthless, not worth the effort, much less than who he had in mind for a woman, not deserving of love, deserving pain and a broken heart.
It's just a matter of time before he cheats on me again.  He doesn't have a standard to hold himself to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCtKULLcVXY&feature=player_embeddedI found this most beautiful song on tristan prettyman's blog, followed by a serendipitous quote days later:
"I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.
Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
- Rainer Maria Rilke"

I have to be careful not to get too bitter of what may have been a lost chance at a loved life with a great guy.  It's all just a dream, the affection he felt may be completely gone now, never to return.  And it may have turned out that way even if I was single, open to love, ready to start a life...

I snapped at Kara yesterday morning, like really snapped, because of a potty accident, and I feel absolutely terrible about it.  Of course I can't talk to Kurt about it, he ignores the feelings behind abusive actions... (I tried, we ended up fighting.)  The weekend had been so harrowing and I was so stressed, feeling physically strangled with heartbreak.  Like a wound in my chest.  This poor sweet little girl caught the brunt of my anger at being so sad... I need to get healthy if nothing else for her.  More yoga, running, meditating, breathing, healthy eating, writing, organizing, saving money, clarifying goals, focusing on positivity and openness... for her. She's worth it, it would break me to think that she didn't think so.

I wanted to make sure I mention that I got my first cross-stitch kit in the mail yesterday and started it last night. Actually I wanted to document it, I took pictures I'll post eventually.  I want to 'research' the whole process, how people package their products, the ordering process, notes in the box, both sides of feedback (which I really need to put on my list of things to do). My little whale is coming along and so far I have recognized that doing these embroidered works that I have this idea about is, most of all, tedious.

I also need to get back into doing my 'real' blog again.  I know I need to, and need to just forge ahead (and edit later).  But my self-discipline is lacking -I don't know what's wrong with me.  Yes, I do: I'm depressed.  I may just need this time right now to feel where I am in my life.  To know where I am so I can see clearly, if sadly, where I am coming from and I can bear down for the road ahead.
I always think I have so much free time at my job, and its true, but the mood here is toxic and energy sucking.
I have to fall into trust, and get into my work. The process of my goals.  Get into myself.  Live the questions.  Work at being aware and mindful and look for signs and life-lines.  My love will come.