Abundance Practice

Not to make this a 'crush' blog, but... I did see Frank(I wonder if he goes by a different name?) yesterday, just for a tiny moment, as he was coming out of the door to the stairwell I was walking out of the blue lab doors to go to the bathroom (if I had gone to the break/kitchen area first, would he have stopped and waited? or turned around to meet me there? would we have talked?). He gave me a big smile and a wave. A bigger wave. Happy to see me.  I gave him a smile. Big smile. (Happy to see him.) But I have to remember why. Not the fantasy why. Happy, friendly, exuberant, crush on me guy.  That's all. That's not a life, not a guarantee.  Still: nice.

Breaking update: never listen to anything Robin says. She and L-Dog are contradicting each other about unemployment. Actually, if we go back to when I was on maternity leave, she's contradiction herself. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Yes, I hope I see him today.  Yes, I am still determined not to walk by his cube anymore, just to get a glimpse of the side of his head or to see what shirt he's wearing.


My birthday is coming up and I had originally been planning on making a whole month of it, to myself, privately. A little splurge on things I've had my eye on, some books on my wishlist, some other things from other wishlists, taking a little better care of myself...
But that got a little screwed up with the furlough. For one thing, Idid splurge, and ended up spending too much money on things unexpectedly.  I'm not totally regretful though.  I took most of that time for myself, which I feel bad about becuase I only took some of that time to be with Kara, but I could have taken more... I was stressed.  And I had been needing some me time, but I needed Kara time too, and Kara needed mommy time... we got some... For her daycare vacation week, I may take more than one day... we'll see. I'd like to plan something fun for her.

Written about Frank maybe a month or so ago. I was mad.
{ Pretty hilarious that this dude just walked by me. -not even: I'm working at the store, he's waiting at the elevator with his lunch in his hand -and nothing. Not a hello, not even a look, possibly avoiding eye contact! W.T.F. How do you go from stalkerish exuberant interest to 'I don't see you'! So he's not really that exuberant or friendly. Just another weirdo. Men are so childishly fickle. Oh and: that was quick. Not so sure I feel sorry for him anymore. He's fucking fine.
-Just annoyed that this would have been the perfect opportunity for both of us to be able to talk and he. is. so. not. interested. Just hurts that I can add 'anymore' to the end of that.
Rush past this to the point where I'm relieved to have dodged that pain heartache and drama of another man who is  immature and thoughtless.}

Even now, I don't disagree with what I was thinking then.  After weeks of pushing away, ignoring and being annoyed, once I realized how much having attention meant to me, I wanted more. And even after getting mad that he had taken it away, I adjusted my thinking to suit that part of myself.  This idea, and the idea of 'love', can get so  complicated and confusing.  I'm still mad and disappointed, I wanted him to keep going: if he had it would have seemed like a huge statement about how strongly he felt, the possibility of being convinced is just too enticing.  But what could he really be so in 'love' with? My looks?! God, I hate the idea of that! And what is it that I like about him? How much he likes me? I'm not sure if that even works, but i doubt it would be enough for me. But now I'm back here. Geez, for two people haven't spoken more than a four word conversation we have already had a lot of ups and downs.

I haven't mentioned, and this would have gone in that long list of sightings, 'get it all down and out of my system post, that there was another time I saw him, that I think was is really significant, and sad(contributing to why I feel sorry for him): I was walking(exercising) one day and saw him walking out of where cars turn in for the main entrance.  This was very early on... I was on the other side of the road, into my music, and though I noticed him and may have for a split second thought is was strange, I was determined to ignore him out of what should have been coincidence.  But, duh, it wasn't coincidence.  Did he think he would see me and I would stop and talk, was he going to walk with me? i don't think he knew what he was doing, i think he just wanted to see me.  I glance back and he was walking back toward the building with his head down.  That should have ended it.  You've seemed to make a fool of yourself for me, and I appreciate that, truly, but there's nowhere to go.