He's always catching me off-guard. That's the way of this thing.
:I ran into him on the stairwell this morning, almost first thing, I was going down to the bank, he was coming up. Looking down, I saw him before he saw me, he was right in front me talking (listening) to someone he was with, -leaving no room for someone who may be coming down- and was right in front of him before he noticed he was blocking my way. He looked a little shocked (may I say perhaps 'stunned'), but smiled, I can't remember what he said, but I said 'excuse me' and smiled, only because the look on his face was so awkward, the guy with him said good morning. And after that I was all wound up. Making my sick with fantasy desire. Rationality cast aside and completely indulged in 'being loved'. He's kind of a big guy, I noticed. Not little. It's too much, makes the fantasies too good.
Here's some rationality: His awkward goofiness will annoy me, probably sooner than later; he's probably corny, soon enough will seem annoyingly so; his exuberance is surely fleeting, the dream of lifelong adoration from this 'wonderful, affectionate man who cannot resist me' is just that: a dream; his immersion in his culture is probably a huge barrier for anyone he's with who isn't also hispanic.
I feel ill today, a little sick to my stomach and exhausted... it was a long busy weekend. It may also be time-of-month related.
For Kara. Ever notice how giving yourself the goal of being a better mother really means being a better everything? A better person, a better cook, a better housekeeper, a better financial provider, better at being healthy, better at dealing with emotions, better at being prepared, better at setting goals and achieving them... Here's to the journey of 'better': examining where I am now and clarifying where I want to be while striving to get from here to there.
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