Sentiment

Please don't make me hate my life. This is my plea to the universe. Has been for most of my life, knowing I have been on a slippery slope.  My standards, expectations are high, my hope and my ability to dream have never been lost.
My poor body, screaming out to tell me I'm doing wrong by myself, that this is the wrong path, in agony.  I get stuck in my head avoiding these agonizing messages my body, always entrenched in reality, always paying the price for my mistakes.  My body is so sensitive to eveything, things I eat and drink, workouts draining and revitalizing, music and noise, people, voices, body language, tension, the mood and energy of places, colors can even get a severe emotional reaction.  But  my head will keep dreaming no matter how much my body, in reality, gets beaten and battered.  I suppose I have been closed off the happinesses of present moments because my mind is stubbornly stuck in a gray or black or red rut.
Right now i don't want my reality.  I want him, I want the dream of him, the possibility of him.  The possiblity of being loved and adored, worshiped even by a good true mindful man is agonizing, twisting my already broken heart.  How am I still hopeful? I am glad I am, but... this? I want his brown skin, his sinewy muscles, his brown eyes, his laugh, the timbre of his voice, his expressions, his exuberance, I want them all and to claim them for my own. I want someone good and true to love, someone worthy, someone who inspires more love unto himself.
A relationship, i realize, of true love built in mindfulness and bravery, is so rare and so lucky to have the chance at, let alone to simply have, to live.

Dear Frank,
{right now, ha!, i feel certain that} You are the best thing that will never happen to me. Thank you for inspiring my dreams.

Its funny and so not, that in several months (no, not a few weeks, not a few months, this may take longer... I'm smarter wiser and more in touch with reality now than when I had the nonsense crush on Doug. (he really returned barely hint of sentiment towards me, definitely* not in the way Frank does, Frank -at one point, not now- made it clear and obvious and loud to me and many people who happened to be around that he had a thing for me. *that is what makes this so hard -Frank probably doesn't have the adorable achievement-oriented girlfriend that Doug had.  Frank is more me I think, though I'm not sure how much, and probably not as much as my richly visualized and passionately felt daydreams.  Oh, what daydreams.  It's apparent I am desperate.  Speaking of: must learn Spanish.