The unrequited agonizing lovelorn Jacki is back. I have this idea, that I probably will not do, though I am seriously considering it, that I should write him a sort 'thank you' note and... leave it on his jeep or in his cube.
"In another life... " I had a whole rundown, but I can't think of it now. I've spent most of the day thinking about kisses, hugs, the lilt of his voice, seeing his restraint to calm himself down so he doesn't scare me, passionate embraces, getting myself all worked up. (Maybe its the time of the month.) My brain is pretty much mush. And I'm supposed to see Michele today after work after god know how many years, who I've been wanting to talk to. I'm doubting my ability to connect today.
I want to know the love of man I know will never hurt me. I don't have that, I may never have that, but I know I want it. I can think about Kurt and believe he loves me if I look at him hard enough and in a certain suspended-reality way, but it's painful. I don't like our love story, it will never be pure and will never swell me up with good feelings, just the opposite in fact. I haven't given up on us (dumbly enough, though this makes me angry when I admit it to myself) but I know we will never be happily free -even at our best, which I can vaguely imagine a 'best' for us... it's not bad- and with his weight at my lifelong side there will always be a prominent melancholy to how I live my life.
The frank I have conjured is truly just a figment of my imagination, only in my dreams. As real as it may seem, as much as I desperately want and need for it to be real. I am content, though I am not sure it is good for me or not (it may be something i need to cope, the harsh reality of my life may be a bit much for me, though i am into this idea of having productive dreams lately -which this is not) to dream about loving encounters, about basking in the nourishing glow of his love and adoration of me, of exuberant affection, of attentive love. Of love that is strong and sure, that leaves no question to 'doing the right thing' and 'what has to be done'. Declarations of devotion, undeclared, but unmistakable devotion. The 'good man' that god I hope is out there and truly exists.
For Kara. Ever notice how giving yourself the goal of being a better mother really means being a better everything? A better person, a better cook, a better housekeeper, a better financial provider, better at being healthy, better at dealing with emotions, better at being prepared, better at setting goals and achieving them... Here's to the journey of 'better': examining where I am now and clarifying where I want to be while striving to get from here to there.
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