The Day After The Talk

It started out as a pretty much an argument, and ended with a hug and hearing Kara cry.  He seems like he's really willing to leave, to be pretty positive about it (though it hasn't even been 24 hours and I've had mistrust of his 'epiphanies' beat into me) and we came to a tentative hashed out agreement about Kara.  We care about each other, but we're driving each other nuts.  And all the while Frank is on my mind... Always worrying that he come to the conclusion that he's 'done'... And Kurt's threats to kill him, wait for us to come home from a date with a bat, leave me scared but indignant, and somewhat devastated.  Frank is all I want.  I'm not sure I could have gotten to this point without him, and, as far as I'm concerned, we are still unfinished.

He's not here today, which is making me sad and feel a little desparate with a three day weekend looming... a hard three day weekend, with Kurt supposedly moving out, dealing with Kara.  I left a message on his phone to call me at the lab this morning, 3:47 and still nothing. Now: should i try him again? ...or leave it be.  Still the chest-tightening frustration that all weekend, I can't call or text... AAAH KURT! I HATE YOU!!

I mentioned getting the phones into separate accounts and Kurt said, 'well, we don't have to do that right away, that's just going to be one big bill.' and he's right.  I will be $20 dollars more a month to have separate bills.  But privacy plus the ability to contact Francisco? Priceless. Truly priceless.  I fear I may be pining this weekend, but hopefully, if Kurt stays motivated and gets some good forward  momentum going, I will be happier on Tuesday when I see Frank again and have some good news for him.  Though I'm frustrated because I know I will finally have some time to myself this weekend and won't be able to see him, which is what I want (I mean honestly) more than anything else, I am hopefull... seeing light, life and love on the horizon.

3:55.  He tends to flake... I'm going to try him.
... no answer.  ??? My heart is squeezed. It may be best I have my thoughts to myself this weekend as everything goes down.  I am not leaving Kurt to go to someone else, I am leaving him to be alone, to be me.  "You need time to get back to you.'  I know it, I just have to live it now.

we won't break if we let go

I became a little worried about Frank, I hadn't seen him (at his cube, which I passed when I didn't see him in the first five minutes of the day) and his chair looked untouched, until after noon, when he was at his desk.  I found his number this number and let it ring until I got his voice message and cringed at the sound of his lovely voice.
I've been wondering about whether or not leaving him a thank you doodle is a good idea or not.  Maybe too stalkerish when a lot of other things I'm doing are definitely too stalkerish.  I know that I need to take the opportunity to talk to him and smile the next time I see him, but I'm afraid that I won't and the raging sorrow for the chance at something that would be good for me, make me happy (even if its just the warm light of receiving the positive vibes of a positive guy who has a crush on me and nothing more, let alone an intelligent friendship) will spiral me into a paralyzing depression.

But I always bounce back! I still have dreams... dreams of being healthy, wealthy and wise.
Kurt is as cold and closed off as ever.  The looming question of sex fills me with dread.  Did I mention how awful the weekend of the hurricane was?  I wanted him to look in my eyes and see how hurt I am, how much I need to be loved... And he failed.  Apparently he thinks he has some resentment to hold over me.  Rage.  Bottled, asphyxiating rage.  He is not remorseful for what he did to me, to our relationship.  He is a lazy thinker anyway, working towards loving me again probably seems to be an overly difficult task and not worth the effort.  Thinking about this rips my heart apart all over again.  I always cling to a tiny shred of hope for us, and wind up feeling worthless.  I think about him and what he must see in me: worthless, not worth the effort, much less than who he had in mind for a woman, not deserving of love, deserving pain and a broken heart.
It's just a matter of time before he cheats on me again.  He doesn't have a standard to hold himself to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCtKULLcVXY&feature=player_embeddedI found this most beautiful song on tristan prettyman's blog, followed by a serendipitous quote days later:
"I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.
Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
- Rainer Maria Rilke"

I have to be careful not to get too bitter of what may have been a lost chance at a loved life with a great guy.  It's all just a dream, the affection he felt may be completely gone now, never to return.  And it may have turned out that way even if I was single, open to love, ready to start a life...

I snapped at Kara yesterday morning, like really snapped, because of a potty accident, and I feel absolutely terrible about it.  Of course I can't talk to Kurt about it, he ignores the feelings behind abusive actions... (I tried, we ended up fighting.)  The weekend had been so harrowing and I was so stressed, feeling physically strangled with heartbreak.  Like a wound in my chest.  This poor sweet little girl caught the brunt of my anger at being so sad... I need to get healthy if nothing else for her.  More yoga, running, meditating, breathing, healthy eating, writing, organizing, saving money, clarifying goals, focusing on positivity and openness... for her. She's worth it, it would break me to think that she didn't think so.

I wanted to make sure I mention that I got my first cross-stitch kit in the mail yesterday and started it last night. Actually I wanted to document it, I took pictures I'll post eventually.  I want to 'research' the whole process, how people package their products, the ordering process, notes in the box, both sides of feedback (which I really need to put on my list of things to do). My little whale is coming along and so far I have recognized that doing these embroidered works that I have this idea about is, most of all, tedious.

I also need to get back into doing my 'real' blog again.  I know I need to, and need to just forge ahead (and edit later).  But my self-discipline is lacking -I don't know what's wrong with me.  Yes, I do: I'm depressed.  I may just need this time right now to feel where I am in my life.  To know where I am so I can see clearly, if sadly, where I am coming from and I can bear down for the road ahead.
I always think I have so much free time at my job, and its true, but the mood here is toxic and energy sucking.
I have to fall into trust, and get into my work. The process of my goals.  Get into myself.  Live the questions.  Work at being aware and mindful and look for signs and life-lines.  My love will come.

trailer trash

Questions for little Kurtalina:
How many times did you stick your dick in her?
How many other teachers have you stuck your dick in?
Was Maria really worth becoming 'every other weekend Daddy' for?
Are you heartbroken now that you don't get to see your fuckwhore anymore? Poor baby.
Is Maria the one who gave you piss to pass your drug test? Classy. She'll make a great stepmom. Good choice faggot.
Does Maria know that you're pillhead? And she's okay with that? Awesome.
Just a point here. I've seen Maria. I know what she looks like.  You're not allowed to say anything about Steve going from Leslie to Margi or anything else superficially derogatory about anyone again.

This is going to be a hard conversation (when we have it) because 1. you're a lifelong advanced bullshitter and 2. (and most importantly) you are a liar, and you think nothing of lying to people.  So anything you say or explain, I won't believe you. I've known you for three years, I know what you're capable of.  And its scary.

I know what I did to you. I apologized for about six months straight before it started to feel ridiculous and then kept apologizing and feeling bad about it.  You never apologized for driving me to the hospital to deliver our daughter high as a fucking kite. You never apologized for leaving me stranded and alone in the hospital for over four hours while I was bedridden with fucking tubes all up and down my arms that were keeping me from having a seizure.  You never apologized for coming back to the hospital even higher than when you left.  You never apologized for insisting on sleeping in the room with the TV blaring -when I asked you to turn it off so I could sleep you said you couldn't sleep without it on. What. the. Fuck. The nurse had just come in and insisted that I had to sleep, my blood pressure wasn't coming down and I was in danger of having a seizure.  (You remember her don't you? You only told her six times you were going to write her a letter of appreciation, asked her four times what her name was, wrote it down and the name of her boss. What a guy.) You never apologized for screaming at me while I was pregnant because I had finally got up the nerve to confront you about being a drug addict.  You never apologized for getting angry and screaming at me because I was in the tiny bathroom crumpled on the floor crying.(Of course I was crying you dipshit.  That was back before I became numb the ridiculous bullshit that is being related to you. It takes time to adjust.) You never apologized to going to the child birthing classes high as kite (as the half the class tried to ignore you while everyone, including the nurse teaching the class gave these sympathetic looks), not taking it seriously when i tried three times to tell you how terrified I was and how important learning this stuff was to me and our baby.

I know I'm a good mom. You know how I know? Because I know that if Kara ever finds herself driving into a trailer park to hang out with her drug addicted, drug dealer boyfriend I will drag her out by her fucking hair.  She and I will have a long talk about how only a guy who really cares about you will not have sex with you until there is a mutual, rationalized commitment and will never make you feel guilty about not having sex.  Kara, if you're reading, blue balls is not your responsibility and if a guy mentions anything of the sort, turn around and run, trust me, that bullshit is just the beginning.