Today: Could this be the beginning of the last day?

Kurt came for lunch, brought sushi, and we ate in the cafeteria.  Short because of R's hissy fit.  I had called F earlier because I figured, correctly that he would want to get me to go again... I promised Friday, tomorrow.  I told him (a lie) K need to get his parent badge (which he does eventually).  With Kurt being so 'nice' it makes it hard.  I'm thinking its too soon to tell how F really feels about me (I'm getting signs I am entering fuckdoll status) while thinking he's all I really want.
I want to replay his texts today, they may seem more revealing when I am unswooned. Right now I have a huge crush on him and not just on his body or his skin or the way he moves, but his sense of goofy erratic sense of humor, his mood swings, his sense of himself, his willingness to listen, to learn, his curiosity, his brain... his heritage, his life history, his mostly dead hope, his erratic exuberance over simplicity.

Booo.
Spooky. Where'd you go for lunch?
Chik fila
It was good
How did parent thing go?
He should be good...
Cool
I'm having a hard time with him. My frustration is showing when I think it would be better to have patience
U should have sex and wine!
Remember your theory about dating two guys and by the third one MAYBE I'd be 'ready'?
Wat about it?
I can't wait to prove u wrong. I'm not against ur sex and wine theory. Hence my frustration.
Huh?
I'm lost ...
Haha! Sorry.
Sorry for wat?
Now im really lost lol
Losing you. Can I call u?
(I had tried to call him a few texts before but he didn't answer the phone.  No more in answer to my question...)
Ur frustrated about sex n wine?
Yes!
Hahaha been awhile eh?
U like red or white wine?
White lol.
Crazy monkee sex or boring human kind?
Who cares?!
lol ..
I feel stuck
They have toys for that u know ...
Lol i knew you would say something stupid! ...for unsticking me?
I don't want a toy!
I think I need to stop bothering you!
lol ..
Dont have a panic attack now ..
Wat do you want?
I want a new list of frustrations
It never ends ...
I want to prove your theory wrong too
I realize that
U ar stressed out, ya need to release some ...
How ya gonna do that ?
How u gonna prove my theory wrong?
Its not how its when.
Timing is everything .. But don't forget not everyone is on the same clock u ar ....
I realize that too. I'm discouraged by my own devotion to the virtue of patience.
And kindness! I'm so full of shit! lol!
lol
U ar sexually frustrated thats all ..
That's all?
I can relieve ur frustration not sure about ya stress lol
You're ready to open ur psychotherapy practice
lol
U can be my first client
U can be my first client
U can't be my fixer!
I'm my own fixer. I'm better off at the toy shop!
I think maybe YOU need help.
LoL
I think you need wine
What happened to sex? lol!
Wine will take care of that 'm

After a horrible night with Kurt...

I'm at work, after a horrible yesterday with Robin -who probably unwisely has been my biggest confidante through all this- waiting for Francisco to contact me.  After all the sex bullshit yesterday I am feeling weak ground.  And tossed and turned at night thinking of him, ('yes, I want you too, but...'), I realized that I'm not mad at him for it.  I'm not mad at him.  For not coming by yesterday, for stopping in mid-conversation to talk to a young, pretty, happy blonde girl, for not calling, for all the(handful of) times he said he would come by, contact me but didn't.  Not mad.  A little frustrated.  I'm still crazy about him.  I still love him.  I still want him to be my life. I still want a chance with him.
Will he call me, text me, email me, something me today? The ultimate would be stopping by. Stopping by would be the hardest for him and the biggest gesture.  Will he? do anything? Or will I, at the end of the day, feeling defeated, stop to see him?  Knowing I am easy to push out of mind, not sure if it is the situation pushing back at him or a feeling of mediocre, not-quite-fitting importance.
I want to go to him because I need someone to talk to about what's going on, because I want to feel his concern, his compassion... let me see his strength, let it strengthen me as I go through this awful excruciating time in my life, let it calm the doubts that he could handle me completely, closely even after all this toxic 'drama' and reassure me that after all this is through there is no good reason that he and I could not be happy together.  I love him so.  He is unique... I will never 'get over' him.

Kurt cut himself yesterday.  Things aren't truly going well anyway. (How could they? I know I don't love him, and though I am open to seeing if he will ever move my heart, I need to be sure! and I am beginning to fall for someone else.)  Cut himself bad.  Like MUTILATED his leg.  And showed me.  Made me see the bloody towel.  Jealousy.  A barely perceptible attempt to hold back.

A 'you alive !!' text. ...want to do lunch again.  Maybe he does love me. Ha.
 Decided to stop by, Tara Price was there...? Marriage problems? I'm wondering about if she had just popped in like I do. She didn't know about going to lunch.  I copped out of going to Jalapenos, I really wanted to talk to him, or see if I could, about my 'situation' and that I was having 'issues day' and see if he could offer me any... anything. ...maybe a phone call later? or I could use my break to sit with him? A girl is allowed to dream right?
...he's so cute. 'Just go! won't be fun without you now lol. grr' response (I'm unsure about the wisdom of): 'Sorry. I'm having 'issues day'. That's no fun anyway.' Letting know I'm having a bad day is okay I guess.  Sort of a test line. We'll see.

Texting texting texting as he's waiting for Chris to go to lunch.  Kurt called while texting, the cutting has me pretty freaked... more texting.  the texting makes me happy. I can't get the image of Kurt's sliced up leg out of my mind.  Robin's ignoring me.  I'm hating her -just enough. (She came to his cube to get me yesterday all exasperated. Drama.) Now issues day has become he's 'kinda' having one too and now after I recommend hugs, 'I think you should hug me !!' then he 'went weird' and I texted him so.  Mistake? Could we talk it out eventually? I don't know but I hope so.  'Depends how good your pineapple is'.  The sexual innuendo is not me anyway, but when you're looking for more, much much more, its sad and annoying.  Even more so on 'issues day'.  He just (may<-hopehopesillyhope) have a lusty crush on me.  Could he have a tiny spark of an idea that I could be 'the one'?  When it comes down to how good my pineapple is and he should have rights like victoria has secrets: I just can't really believe so.  ...then again, he is a man...
'Only ur pineapples'. Which oddly enough, with all my 'I hate being looked up and down and immediately thought of as a fuck doll' issues, I immediately think of the devotion implied in his innuendo.

Our most basic emotional need: To BE loved

Recognizing the “in-love” experience for what it is- a temporary emotional high-and now pursuing “real love”. The kind of LOVE that is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know LOVE that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. - The 5 Love Languages
 From TP's tumblr...

Dear Frank,
 I don't seek to be in love with you (though I am)... I am seeking to to love you and be loved by you.  I know, I am certain that I could love you, that I could make you happy, when I am able to... I am not certain that you want to, or are able to (could), love me.  And that truly is what I had wanted from the beginning, from before the beginning, to be loved by you.  By you in your unique way, your exuberant way.  I remember thinking, 'how nice would it be to be greeted by him everyday with such happiness?' That was the dream I had.  I still haven't let it go.  I know what I am looking for now, this idea, sparked by you, but perhaps I need to look in a different direction.  I will always love you, I know.  I am not willing to start something where I feel sure that I will go through more hurt.

Another talk

Another long (break-forfeitting) amazing calming heart-grounding talk.  But.  I didn't mention Wednesday.  The talk was too immersed with deep goodness to regret.  Falling for him even more. (Could I already be in love? Could I already know he will be my life-long?)
Now Kurt.  He is sad. The reality of where we are is out, the challenge of where we can be has been hinted at.  Me, Him & Kara.  I want to see Frank, to let him take me... I want to be able to talk to him this weekend.  "Is it okay if I call...?"  The inevitably long minutes will show on the phone bill, if, when he checks.  A long weekend without my friend. (This morning, driving in looking for his jeep, "Oh he must not be here..." "Who?Who's not here mommy?" "Um, my friend Frank." "Aw, mommy, maybe you will see your friend tomorrow."  So sweet little girly.)
Such a difficult thing to work out, and with Kurt sad, maybe hoping there's a way for us, testing him with 'seeing other people' rules could be devastating to our best possible outcome. Kara's Happiness, my Happiness.
But I want him now, to settle into him, for us to start our lives together, start wrapping our minds around each other and seeing things from dual perspective.

to picture anyone else...

The perfect beautiful bubble has burst. My 'sign' came, and it basically said stop.  After tuning me out, he forgot about me.  A few too many distractions and 'poof!' its like I don't exist.  I was devastated, after it sunk in -such a beautiful dream I clung to had to die hard & its hard right now to picture anyone else in my imaginary happy heart.  I'm afraid I'll never feel the same way about him as I did.
I waited like an idiot, feeling special, lucky, adoring how he thought he 'had to just come say goodbye', 'twenty minutes is still twenty minutes.' a short 'bye', hanging up the phone a leaving.  Not so much. Waited. Let Yvonne and Mai know to alleviate some weirdness... went to the door and looked down the hall (writing this out is so sad)  I have to leave and get Kara for her dentist appointment, but can just wait another minute... where is he? ...is he okay? is something wrong? I wonder what happened. I walked out the door and down the hall, pretty sure I would run into him, through the servers, out the door, past the break area... there's no way he could be at his desk. explanation then 'bye'. Sitting there.  Messaging, smiling.  Nothing. 'hey'. smiling. No explanation.  'Say goodbye.' Took my hand, have a good night, 'here's a note for you, read that later.' Walked away. Stunned. Shoving it away. Don't think.  The note just said,'Frank 000-000-0000 If you ever just want to let off some steam'  Let off some steam irritated me after I looked at again later.  What wrong with the word 'talk'?! Talk is a perfect word for what I need, why couldn't he use it? 'let off some stream' sounds like a booty call. I considered ripping up the note.  'I'll call him when this all gets rectified, he'll have to give it to me again'...
I needed that not to happen.  I was crushed.  It only took three days for him to start tuning me out, taking me for granted and fail to follow through on a fucking simple promise.  I will not ignore you red flag.  To be in tears over someone after only three days of talking is not good.  Its not right.  He knows (Monday's long, hour? long talk, so perfect, so comfortable -I couldn't wait to tell him how wonderfully, uniquely, bizzarely easy to talk to he is) the fragile situation I'm in, if you want me to give you the love I feel and I know you need, you know to be careful with my heart.
So, in me, it feels over.  I'm grieving.  Attempting to not talk to him today (see if he realizes, I think he doesn't even realize what's happened, which, in a way makes it worse) and dreading running into him again.  Unless... he comes looking for me.  And shows me, and asks me, and wants me... I could die.

He didn't hesitate... and asked me out.

Before I flesh out the hows and whats, I need to do this:

I'm worried that I'm pushing something along, albeit inch by inch, that I'm not sure I may want stopped.
He gets 'giddy', and I guess I've used the word 'exuberant' before, which is adorable, and 'joyful', which is awesome and inspiring -and good to be around.  But all this, I'm sure, could wear on a low key girl... like me.  I'd hate to feel annoyance and regret at his happy over-reactions, and I'd hate for him to feel the pain of my changed regard for him.  I don't want to be pushed, but how will this happen if he doesn't let me know what wants and how he feels.  In my love story, I'm not sure I want to be the one blatantly putting myself out there.  I need to be convinced.  I know I need to open to convincing for that to happen.  And besides all this, I'm not ready, my situation is not ready for him.  I want this, but I want it slowly.  I want to talk.  I not only need the friendship right now (remember how frustrated I was that Kurt didn't want to talk to me about Rob? It was to the point of hurtful: this is what I'm going through right now, don't you care?), I truly want the friendship for my 'love story'.  Now that I think about it, its absolutely essential.
He asked me out.  I need time to process this, and to be mindful and aware of the huge changes happening in my life right now.  I need to stop indulging -so often- in these (delicious) fantasies.

It's going to be a long weekend

It occured to me last night, as i was endlessly tossing and turning and 'dreaming' (lust tends to take over when I lay down in bed, knowing I'm free of distractions for the night hours... I think of his height, his brown skin, his intense brown eyes... yum. All of it. Yum.) that I wouldn't be seeing him today -he's not usually here on Fridays.  When I hesitated yesterday, when he was 'roaming' out of the elevator, that was me body trying to tell me to stop and talk.  Maybe 'get a fix!'.  Its going to be a long weekend.  -Maybe for him, too.  Funny how I feel bad for him...
I went to his cube... I was a little taken aback that he had left the note there.  But then I considered what he had written on it: Who wrote this note? Sign here (arrow to an open space).  I suspected yesterday in my mental wanderings that he may be an impatient person, the note on the note is a bit of confirmation of that.  Remember when idiotface wrote that long letter asking for essentially 'details': write this, write that, you don't want me to think of you badly do you?  bullshit.  The note on the note made me feel that way to.  Then I thought of him coming in to work early Monday morning and seeing nothing and how that may feel to him.  I'm really not trying to drive him nuts.  Honestly I was thinking he was a grown, mature man who had a firm sense of himself and his life and if he wanted something he would approach me or whatever it was he wanted and go after it.  As you get older, you know you can't make demands of people, you make requests if anything.
I'm out of time, but, I know that I just want to see him in person and talk about why the note, I'm not ashamed of it or the why.
And I can't wait for Monday.  Yes, It's going to be a long weekedn

End of the Day... and nothing more.

I did run into him this morning, I have to remember that.  All day I've been hoping to see him again so we could talk, get some things out, fix some impressions that may have been made, just be around him.  But only saw him in the stairwell again, again as was walking up as he was walking down, and he gave me an odd sort of tense smile... not a happy to see me smile, guarded maybe.  Maybe I did freak him out.  If the note didn't do it my timid behaviour on the 'bridge' when he came looking for me did.  There's so much I wish I could change about that conversation.  I was 'not cool'.
I'm mad at myself because, hadn't been wanting to talk to him for so long?! Given my chance and I was so in awe that I didn't take it!  There were so many things I wanted to say, but I had also wanted to portray myself as... someone he could talk to, someone he would want to talk to, someone who cared and would listen.
Oh, well. That may be the beginning of the end.  Maybe he had already decided he was done and just had check one more time on the author of the note, just to make sure he really wanted to be done, that he had nothing left for me; and maybe our talk confirmed that for him.  <--silly conjecturing, I know, but I'm actually trying to make myself feel better, I think.  If our 'talking' is over, doesn't that save me the awful awkward conversation where I tell him I have a boyfriend and don't see how I leave him right now? Perhaps even divulging a little how crazy I am about him but that I can't put him before my daughter.
I desperately need to find my zen, now  more than ever.
Patience.
(There another 15 minutes or so left in my day.)

I think I may marry him

Well...
I didn't write yesterday after I 'did something weird' (how I put it when I confessed to Robin my latest crush).
I left him the note, in his cube, on his desk.  I spent the rest of the day fretting about what would happen next, how he would take it, if it would creep him out, if it would start something that maybe I couldn't deal with, he couldn't deal with, or if it would be taken simply as a stranger's expression of gratitude (<--this is the one that I used to make it okay to do...)
I was determined to avoid him today.  Not to try to run into him, but still do what I had to do out of the lab, but without lingering.  I wanted at least a day or two to process what I did.  To figure out... I wanted to leave the note as a offering of sincere, pure gratitude, not just to him, but to the universe -appreciating the little moments where I feel safely and exuberantly happy.  I tried to leave it be, I figured wondering if anything would happen and how it would affect him was normal, but I wanted to leave it and just feel good about telling someone how I feel without any expectation -after all, this was a thank you for something that had been given to me.  Bravery in return for bravery.
So anyway... !!! I was walking back to the lab, and I was about to get to the doors the bridge AND   I saw him through the window.  huh?! what's he doing back here?! We talked. a little. Idk, it seems like a stupid conversation now.  I was so nervous -caught off guard again- and again I was, honestly, a coward.  He asked about my daughter and asked if I was married, and I feel awful and ashamed that I didn't say I had a boyfriend.  That must be fixed asap.  It's not right: I wanted to give him hope! I did! But the reality is that there's barely any at all.  No one knowingly wants to make a grotesque Jerry Springer episode out of their life.  He should be able to make an informed decision about wanting to keep trying to talk to me 'another day'.  (That's what he said.  "well, I'll bother you another day." Dude. You are never a bother.) He should be able to decide whether he wants to talk to me again or not, knowing everything, having all the information.  I should have mentioned Kurt.
I thought maybe I would run into him at some point, maybe in a few days, and maybe he would say hi and maybe that would be it, or maybe he would keep seeming down and nothing would happen.  I was going to make myself be okay with that.  I NEVER thought he would come where I had never seen him before... LIKE HE HAD COME LOOKING FOR ME.  I have to admit, I just love that.  His actions are what I need.
Oh. AND. I confessed to Robin the whole Francisco story.  All of it.  And she said the most (surprisingly) encouraging thing anyone could possibly say... "That's such a nice story!"  Robin cares... and can be really great.  Thanks Robin... yeah, it is a nice story.
...he was so cute, the way he was talking to me.  "You're really quiet!" I think he said it twice, it must be frustrating for him.  I was so nervous, getting that frozen feeling the more I tried to talk, I forgot to smile.  I asked his name, told him it was nice meeting you, and held(shook!) his hand.  I adore him.  That's that.

Self-Worth

I feel so disappointed, I let down my heart, and its about to hit home.  I still have a breathless crush on him, though I know I need to let go, let things happen.  But I just ran into him and he seemed so down, so quick to avoid me, avoid eye contact, to say nothing.  It was in the stairwell, he opened the door just as was walking up, said 'hm,' and looked down.  I know I played a part in getting this type of reaction, but it hurts.  That is so different from the guy I fell for and so far from the reasons I fell for him.  I loved that he was so exuberant and happy and now, what and who is this?  Did I do that to him or is he just moody?
I'm trying to, have set determination to, find a balance between stop obsessing and focusing on and examining my life as it is, seeing how I can be better, what I can make better; and the same time keeping a sense of gratitude towards him, not forgetting him completely but finding a way to express appreciation to him for what happiness I've had because of him, what inspiration he's been a catalyst for.
After this morning's run in, I'm pushing away the danger that I may start to feel that perhaps I really don't deserve a good man who is crazy about me and isn't afraid to express it.  The high that that new hope had given me, a hope that felt so close to real, I fear may come crashing down.
I will not be such a coward next time, I will have a solid perspective and remember to always be grateful for anyone who is willing to put themselves out there for me. (even if its just a fleeting crush.)
I need a firmer grasp on my own self-worth.  I may be getting one.  This whole trial may just be a test.

Words with Friends

I ran into him, finally -but after really forcing myself to.  And I knew, as I was wandering around to fullfill my petty calculations that I was hurting myself, losing ground on my dignity, erasing possibilities for mind to believe, and showing, specifically showing him, a sideways glance at a side of myself I am not proud of.
Talking to the blond haired woman again. And someone else.  I think about playing 'words with friends' (ha! put that in your pocket!)
I know now that I'm really looking for, craving, that exuberant excited showering of attention, that 'crazy about you' love.  I want it in excess so that I believe, I want someone, him, to work hard at convincing me.  Love.  True, quiet, bigger than any noise, calming, so sure and so true that there is nothing to do but live it out in utter bliss.
Well, I'm not getting it.  In his corner, its gone.  I cherish those memories, and I believe I always will.  Hopefully in the future without so much bitterness.  My stomach is turned, from seeing him and breaking my own heart with all this highhappy projection.  I would love to be able to apologize to him, and the chance to make it up to him.
I also want to know him.  What made him so brave?  Was that just a part of his personality? Like exuberance could be a personality trait, and any lucky fleeting 'fancy' of his can take it any way they like?
My already destroyed heart is breaking.  I know I have to let him go.  I'm afraid his bravery will come back to him and I won't be there to encourage him, to show him how grateful I am and to feel and take in the joy of it.  I am tired of pushing away joy.
Kurt and I watched an episode of The Office I had never seen, when Jim and Pam get married in Niagara Falls.  I got upset(inside) and teary eyed(outside, ie what Kurt saw), and Kurt said, smiling at me, "are you crying over Jim and Pam's wedding"...  How could he not understand, is the first thing I thought.  I will never have a wedding like that.  Or have someone who I can rest in the conviction of their true love for me.  Or someone I can love 'exuberantly' and passionately and utterly joyfully with no holds barred and no inhibitions or insecurities getting in the way, because I will be completely free of the fear of getting hurt. (by the way, 'getting hurt' does not even begin to describe the feeling I am afraid of. 'getting hurt' sounds paltry and trivial compared to what I have been through and even disrespectful to what I have endured, what I am enduring and what I will endure.
 It occurred to me, after trying to get into the whole 'everything is happening for a reason', 'waiting for something you want is okay if you know its right and it will happen eventually', that maybe and perhaps definitely, I am not ready for him yet.  If he got to know me, my nervousness and awkwardness, clinging, clenching, paralyzed by anticipation and dread and all the hurt that has come before.  With the way I feel now, after walking by him, knowing he was in a conversation and wouldn't talk to me let alone reiterate the 'crazy for you' sentiments that he had -(self-destructive?) I don't think I'm ready.  I don't feel ready. When I'm with him I want to feel confident, free to talk, happy, myself.  I want to be able to take him in and open up to him.  I definitely don't feel that now.
I want to be ready.  Somewhere, in my secret heart, sometimes I even secret way from myself, I believe, I allow myself to hope, that my happy heart life is just around the corner, coming at me, all I have to do is focus and wait and be ready to take it in when it comes.  'Being ready' is key.