The Day After The Talk

It started out as a pretty much an argument, and ended with a hug and hearing Kara cry.  He seems like he's really willing to leave, to be pretty positive about it (though it hasn't even been 24 hours and I've had mistrust of his 'epiphanies' beat into me) and we came to a tentative hashed out agreement about Kara.  We care about each other, but we're driving each other nuts.  And all the while Frank is on my mind... Always worrying that he come to the conclusion that he's 'done'... And Kurt's threats to kill him, wait for us to come home from a date with a bat, leave me scared but indignant, and somewhat devastated.  Frank is all I want.  I'm not sure I could have gotten to this point without him, and, as far as I'm concerned, we are still unfinished.

He's not here today, which is making me sad and feel a little desparate with a three day weekend looming... a hard three day weekend, with Kurt supposedly moving out, dealing with Kara.  I left a message on his phone to call me at the lab this morning, 3:47 and still nothing. Now: should i try him again? ...or leave it be.  Still the chest-tightening frustration that all weekend, I can't call or text... AAAH KURT! I HATE YOU!!

I mentioned getting the phones into separate accounts and Kurt said, 'well, we don't have to do that right away, that's just going to be one big bill.' and he's right.  I will be $20 dollars more a month to have separate bills.  But privacy plus the ability to contact Francisco? Priceless. Truly priceless.  I fear I may be pining this weekend, but hopefully, if Kurt stays motivated and gets some good forward  momentum going, I will be happier on Tuesday when I see Frank again and have some good news for him.  Though I'm frustrated because I know I will finally have some time to myself this weekend and won't be able to see him, which is what I want (I mean honestly) more than anything else, I am hopefull... seeing light, life and love on the horizon.

3:55.  He tends to flake... I'm going to try him.
... no answer.  ??? My heart is squeezed. It may be best I have my thoughts to myself this weekend as everything goes down.  I am not leaving Kurt to go to someone else, I am leaving him to be alone, to be me.  "You need time to get back to you.'  I know it, I just have to live it now.

Today: Could this be the beginning of the last day?

Kurt came for lunch, brought sushi, and we ate in the cafeteria.  Short because of R's hissy fit.  I had called F earlier because I figured, correctly that he would want to get me to go again... I promised Friday, tomorrow.  I told him (a lie) K need to get his parent badge (which he does eventually).  With Kurt being so 'nice' it makes it hard.  I'm thinking its too soon to tell how F really feels about me (I'm getting signs I am entering fuckdoll status) while thinking he's all I really want.
I want to replay his texts today, they may seem more revealing when I am unswooned. Right now I have a huge crush on him and not just on his body or his skin or the way he moves, but his sense of goofy erratic sense of humor, his mood swings, his sense of himself, his willingness to listen, to learn, his curiosity, his brain... his heritage, his life history, his mostly dead hope, his erratic exuberance over simplicity.

Booo.
Spooky. Where'd you go for lunch?
Chik fila
It was good
How did parent thing go?
He should be good...
Cool
I'm having a hard time with him. My frustration is showing when I think it would be better to have patience
U should have sex and wine!
Remember your theory about dating two guys and by the third one MAYBE I'd be 'ready'?
Wat about it?
I can't wait to prove u wrong. I'm not against ur sex and wine theory. Hence my frustration.
Huh?
I'm lost ...
Haha! Sorry.
Sorry for wat?
Now im really lost lol
Losing you. Can I call u?
(I had tried to call him a few texts before but he didn't answer the phone.  No more in answer to my question...)
Ur frustrated about sex n wine?
Yes!
Hahaha been awhile eh?
U like red or white wine?
White lol.
Crazy monkee sex or boring human kind?
Who cares?!
lol ..
I feel stuck
They have toys for that u know ...
Lol i knew you would say something stupid! ...for unsticking me?
I don't want a toy!
I think I need to stop bothering you!
lol ..
Dont have a panic attack now ..
Wat do you want?
I want a new list of frustrations
It never ends ...
I want to prove your theory wrong too
I realize that
U ar stressed out, ya need to release some ...
How ya gonna do that ?
How u gonna prove my theory wrong?
Its not how its when.
Timing is everything .. But don't forget not everyone is on the same clock u ar ....
I realize that too. I'm discouraged by my own devotion to the virtue of patience.
And kindness! I'm so full of shit! lol!
lol
U ar sexually frustrated thats all ..
That's all?
I can relieve ur frustration not sure about ya stress lol
You're ready to open ur psychotherapy practice
lol
U can be my first client
U can be my first client
U can't be my fixer!
I'm my own fixer. I'm better off at the toy shop!
I think maybe YOU need help.
LoL
I think you need wine
What happened to sex? lol!
Wine will take care of that 'm

After a horrible night with Kurt...

I'm at work, after a horrible yesterday with Robin -who probably unwisely has been my biggest confidante through all this- waiting for Francisco to contact me.  After all the sex bullshit yesterday I am feeling weak ground.  And tossed and turned at night thinking of him, ('yes, I want you too, but...'), I realized that I'm not mad at him for it.  I'm not mad at him.  For not coming by yesterday, for stopping in mid-conversation to talk to a young, pretty, happy blonde girl, for not calling, for all the(handful of) times he said he would come by, contact me but didn't.  Not mad.  A little frustrated.  I'm still crazy about him.  I still love him.  I still want him to be my life. I still want a chance with him.
Will he call me, text me, email me, something me today? The ultimate would be stopping by. Stopping by would be the hardest for him and the biggest gesture.  Will he? do anything? Or will I, at the end of the day, feeling defeated, stop to see him?  Knowing I am easy to push out of mind, not sure if it is the situation pushing back at him or a feeling of mediocre, not-quite-fitting importance.
I want to go to him because I need someone to talk to about what's going on, because I want to feel his concern, his compassion... let me see his strength, let it strengthen me as I go through this awful excruciating time in my life, let it calm the doubts that he could handle me completely, closely even after all this toxic 'drama' and reassure me that after all this is through there is no good reason that he and I could not be happy together.  I love him so.  He is unique... I will never 'get over' him.

Kurt cut himself yesterday.  Things aren't truly going well anyway. (How could they? I know I don't love him, and though I am open to seeing if he will ever move my heart, I need to be sure! and I am beginning to fall for someone else.)  Cut himself bad.  Like MUTILATED his leg.  And showed me.  Made me see the bloody towel.  Jealousy.  A barely perceptible attempt to hold back.

A 'you alive !!' text. ...want to do lunch again.  Maybe he does love me. Ha.
 Decided to stop by, Tara Price was there...? Marriage problems? I'm wondering about if she had just popped in like I do. She didn't know about going to lunch.  I copped out of going to Jalapenos, I really wanted to talk to him, or see if I could, about my 'situation' and that I was having 'issues day' and see if he could offer me any... anything. ...maybe a phone call later? or I could use my break to sit with him? A girl is allowed to dream right?
...he's so cute. 'Just go! won't be fun without you now lol. grr' response (I'm unsure about the wisdom of): 'Sorry. I'm having 'issues day'. That's no fun anyway.' Letting know I'm having a bad day is okay I guess.  Sort of a test line. We'll see.

Texting texting texting as he's waiting for Chris to go to lunch.  Kurt called while texting, the cutting has me pretty freaked... more texting.  the texting makes me happy. I can't get the image of Kurt's sliced up leg out of my mind.  Robin's ignoring me.  I'm hating her -just enough. (She came to his cube to get me yesterday all exasperated. Drama.) Now issues day has become he's 'kinda' having one too and now after I recommend hugs, 'I think you should hug me !!' then he 'went weird' and I texted him so.  Mistake? Could we talk it out eventually? I don't know but I hope so.  'Depends how good your pineapple is'.  The sexual innuendo is not me anyway, but when you're looking for more, much much more, its sad and annoying.  Even more so on 'issues day'.  He just (may<-hopehopesillyhope) have a lusty crush on me.  Could he have a tiny spark of an idea that I could be 'the one'?  When it comes down to how good my pineapple is and he should have rights like victoria has secrets: I just can't really believe so.  ...then again, he is a man...
'Only ur pineapples'. Which oddly enough, with all my 'I hate being looked up and down and immediately thought of as a fuck doll' issues, I immediately think of the devotion implied in his innuendo.

Our most basic emotional need: To BE loved

Recognizing the “in-love” experience for what it is- a temporary emotional high-and now pursuing “real love”. The kind of LOVE that is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know LOVE that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. - The 5 Love Languages
 From TP's tumblr...

Dear Frank,
 I don't seek to be in love with you (though I am)... I am seeking to to love you and be loved by you.  I know, I am certain that I could love you, that I could make you happy, when I am able to... I am not certain that you want to, or are able to (could), love me.  And that truly is what I had wanted from the beginning, from before the beginning, to be loved by you.  By you in your unique way, your exuberant way.  I remember thinking, 'how nice would it be to be greeted by him everyday with such happiness?' That was the dream I had.  I still haven't let it go.  I know what I am looking for now, this idea, sparked by you, but perhaps I need to look in a different direction.  I will always love you, I know.  I am not willing to start something where I feel sure that I will go through more hurt.

Another talk

Another long (break-forfeitting) amazing calming heart-grounding talk.  But.  I didn't mention Wednesday.  The talk was too immersed with deep goodness to regret.  Falling for him even more. (Could I already be in love? Could I already know he will be my life-long?)
Now Kurt.  He is sad. The reality of where we are is out, the challenge of where we can be has been hinted at.  Me, Him & Kara.  I want to see Frank, to let him take me... I want to be able to talk to him this weekend.  "Is it okay if I call...?"  The inevitably long minutes will show on the phone bill, if, when he checks.  A long weekend without my friend. (This morning, driving in looking for his jeep, "Oh he must not be here..." "Who?Who's not here mommy?" "Um, my friend Frank." "Aw, mommy, maybe you will see your friend tomorrow."  So sweet little girly.)
Such a difficult thing to work out, and with Kurt sad, maybe hoping there's a way for us, testing him with 'seeing other people' rules could be devastating to our best possible outcome. Kara's Happiness, my Happiness.
But I want him now, to settle into him, for us to start our lives together, start wrapping our minds around each other and seeing things from dual perspective.

to picture anyone else...

The perfect beautiful bubble has burst. My 'sign' came, and it basically said stop.  After tuning me out, he forgot about me.  A few too many distractions and 'poof!' its like I don't exist.  I was devastated, after it sunk in -such a beautiful dream I clung to had to die hard & its hard right now to picture anyone else in my imaginary happy heart.  I'm afraid I'll never feel the same way about him as I did.
I waited like an idiot, feeling special, lucky, adoring how he thought he 'had to just come say goodbye', 'twenty minutes is still twenty minutes.' a short 'bye', hanging up the phone a leaving.  Not so much. Waited. Let Yvonne and Mai know to alleviate some weirdness... went to the door and looked down the hall (writing this out is so sad)  I have to leave and get Kara for her dentist appointment, but can just wait another minute... where is he? ...is he okay? is something wrong? I wonder what happened. I walked out the door and down the hall, pretty sure I would run into him, through the servers, out the door, past the break area... there's no way he could be at his desk. explanation then 'bye'. Sitting there.  Messaging, smiling.  Nothing. 'hey'. smiling. No explanation.  'Say goodbye.' Took my hand, have a good night, 'here's a note for you, read that later.' Walked away. Stunned. Shoving it away. Don't think.  The note just said,'Frank 000-000-0000 If you ever just want to let off some steam'  Let off some steam irritated me after I looked at again later.  What wrong with the word 'talk'?! Talk is a perfect word for what I need, why couldn't he use it? 'let off some stream' sounds like a booty call. I considered ripping up the note.  'I'll call him when this all gets rectified, he'll have to give it to me again'...
I needed that not to happen.  I was crushed.  It only took three days for him to start tuning me out, taking me for granted and fail to follow through on a fucking simple promise.  I will not ignore you red flag.  To be in tears over someone after only three days of talking is not good.  Its not right.  He knows (Monday's long, hour? long talk, so perfect, so comfortable -I couldn't wait to tell him how wonderfully, uniquely, bizzarely easy to talk to he is) the fragile situation I'm in, if you want me to give you the love I feel and I know you need, you know to be careful with my heart.
So, in me, it feels over.  I'm grieving.  Attempting to not talk to him today (see if he realizes, I think he doesn't even realize what's happened, which, in a way makes it worse) and dreading running into him again.  Unless... he comes looking for me.  And shows me, and asks me, and wants me... I could die.

He didn't hesitate... and asked me out.

Before I flesh out the hows and whats, I need to do this:

I'm worried that I'm pushing something along, albeit inch by inch, that I'm not sure I may want stopped.
He gets 'giddy', and I guess I've used the word 'exuberant' before, which is adorable, and 'joyful', which is awesome and inspiring -and good to be around.  But all this, I'm sure, could wear on a low key girl... like me.  I'd hate to feel annoyance and regret at his happy over-reactions, and I'd hate for him to feel the pain of my changed regard for him.  I don't want to be pushed, but how will this happen if he doesn't let me know what wants and how he feels.  In my love story, I'm not sure I want to be the one blatantly putting myself out there.  I need to be convinced.  I know I need to open to convincing for that to happen.  And besides all this, I'm not ready, my situation is not ready for him.  I want this, but I want it slowly.  I want to talk.  I not only need the friendship right now (remember how frustrated I was that Kurt didn't want to talk to me about Rob? It was to the point of hurtful: this is what I'm going through right now, don't you care?), I truly want the friendship for my 'love story'.  Now that I think about it, its absolutely essential.
He asked me out.  I need time to process this, and to be mindful and aware of the huge changes happening in my life right now.  I need to stop indulging -so often- in these (delicious) fantasies.