I'm feeling deflated today, despite what I have resolved to do when Kurt picks a fight: remember that your reality is full of blessings and amazing gifts -I have a lot to be happy about. I have made a pact with myself that more and more often I will simply choose to be happy. It turns out to be a lot easier that I thought and I'm starting to get the hang of it.
I have noticed that Kurt is unhappy, but very little of it is anything that I can help with, and most of the time it seems he simply chooses to be miserable. He starts smoking pot again, misses a few days of meds, I feel used and don't feel comfortable bringing up sex (which has become a loaded-gun topic anyway)even when I kindof want to, I put my foot down about finally getting the car titled and registered and it comes out that he has been directing (a lot of? or all?) his hatred towards me. I am his problem.
After pleading with him and trying to discuss things, he has put in my head (and apparently his) that he is planning and intends to leave. (I've been there buddy.) I've been through so much arguing and hurt and non-resolution patching with Kurt that, on the one hand, this is very typical and almost comical. Except, on the other hand, its not. This could be real. It's hard to entertain this idea, but, it could also be inevitable. Like soon. Maybe now.
My heart aches for Kara. I've been straining so much to avoid this outcome. I've been hoping, and trying to believe, but not quite, that we could do better. That we both understood that Kara is worth the effort, and that we are intelligent and decent enough to not accept failure. My heart will not let him go, that I will fight for us for her sake and because being together, I have come to see, really isn't so bad. We can definitely do this, we just have to be willing... both of us.
Hopefully this is just the beginning of the next phase, which is always a life-wrenching painful time. I know I can give more to this cause. I'm learing more everyday about what and how -pushing out -shoving- the boundaries of my limitations. I can give more.
Entitled thoughtless self-riteous selfish. Why is his life so much more important than hers? let alone mine...
So if I'm really going to get into this 'business', how do I write when I'm feeling this way?
For Kara. Ever notice how giving yourself the goal of being a better mother really means being a better everything? A better person, a better cook, a better housekeeper, a better financial provider, better at being healthy, better at dealing with emotions, better at being prepared, better at setting goals and achieving them... Here's to the journey of 'better': examining where I am now and clarifying where I want to be while striving to get from here to there.
Was he seeing Maria at this time? Was this why he was being so stubborn and unyielding in our fights? Was he set in his mind to leave? ...until later, of course, when she 'shot him down'.
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