...my first polyvore outfit collage. Just learning. (This took ALL day btw.)

Hectic, irksome day at work.  Guess it wasn't all bad!
New shoes from a zappos exchange came in yesterday, including the pink loafers pictured, purple stride rite sneakers for kara and a pair of prana 'harem knickers' I have yet to try on.

Setting a higher standard for myself...

I found this poem (song?) in my blog investigational wanderings that I related to.  Kurt’s disdain –as well as my own- for my cleaning abilities, the borderline-unsanitary state of my house is so heart-breakingly frustrating.  These are the things, he would make it seem, that he would leave me for, that he “cannot deal with”.  That he claims he doesn’t see more effort in.  I work full-time, I am the mother of a two-year old.  I live with a paranoid-schizo control freak.  The home is what it is.  I hold this quip in my mind all the while striving to be better.

And –enter whiny, pleading, pathetic voice- I do strive.  I do! I just stayed up last night ‘til after 10 to finish cupcakes for Kara’s class Spring Party.

From the Seeing The Everyday blog:

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
( lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
( pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
and out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
but I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
( lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
- Ruth Hulburt Hamilton, Lady’s Home Journal (1958

Ok! So I made the adorable coconut cupcakes and they came out... Adorable! And delicious!
(They also won me a little appreciation which I really need once in a while. Hopefully the batch I'm making again for the daycare and for Lorraine's Easter dinner family get-together will be successful too.)
After they were all done and decorated, even Kurt was taking pictures of them!

I also finally got my act together and, after running to the produce outlet on my lunch break yesterday for cashews, I made the cashew chicken recipe for Kurt.  Another hit! And not too difficult.  We gave Kara the chicken before adding the hoisin sauce with rice and I figured out that I could do a pretty fair tofu substitute. Kara actually like the tofu with the sauce on it.  I also added julienned peppers (remember to add them earlier next time) for a little veggie action.

Here is another one of my culinary forays that deserves, I think, documenting.  This is the second time that I made Cornflake Chicken, but the first I tried it with tofu (Which I really liked.)

And the weekend before last, on Saturday, we went to Shae's for lunch after the library with Kara.  A hectic ordeal, but I managed to snap this before inhaling it: Almond Stuffed French Toast... or something like that.  Delicious! I couldn't get over how good this was... almond paste (think bearclaw flavor) and cream cheese, thick french toast, ammoretto flavored whipped cream and toasted almonds on top.  The place is sort of cramped and the wait is usually long and disorganized, but the food... always worth it.  Kurt has a man-crush on the friendly host-owner who is always there when we go.



Wishlist:(restraint)

Well, Mother's Day is around the corner... at least ads have started coming out.

So, I'm doing really well on my "Stop the Spending Insanity Starvation Diet", so well, in fact, that I'm even getting a bit uppity.

But I am a 'creative type', I love clothes and shoes and jewelry (though it may be a bit hard to tell), and even, now that I'm older and a homeowner and a mother, home decorating, kitchen gadgets and 'foodie' food.  So as part of my spending crash diet, I still 'browse' and wish and lust.

My WhatI'mLovingNow Wishlist, made up of longstanding old and new wishes include (but are by no means limited to):

Wayfarer Raybans
Do I get go-with-everything black or tortise for a softer (and maybe less rocker/more sophisticated?) look and to be different?

I've learned a lot about the lenses you can get with these. There is quite a confusing selection: G15, B15, and the push-the-price-over-the-top polarized (which Kurt has for his aviators that I bought him in our babymoon phase.  The aviators do truly look awesome on him.) I'm thinking that the G15s would be best for my eyes and what I'll be mostly using them for.


Self-filtering Water Bottle
There are a lot of different types of these out there, and problems it seems with each one.  My question, which I don't see being addressed, is: do these filters make tap water safer and healthier? or am I just doing this for taste?  I like the idea of this, but I may also look into those folding water bottles.  That seems like a convenience that may make more sense.

PotteryBarn Jewelry Dish
This is just precious.  Reminds me of spring.  (And the birdbath I would love for our yard.) And I actually could really use one!  It would make getting ready for bed and getting ready for work a little easier.  One problem is that there is no surface neither in the bathroom or in our bedroom to place this. Our home is a work in progress... this issue of mine is the least of our worries but a  bonus if some of our 'to-dos' ever get done.  (I'm talking about the bathroom behind the toilet shelves -I believe this request falls on deaf ears --gee, I wish I had carpenter-guy-friend who could put up some shelves for me-- and the bedroom closet, which could be absolutely awesome -the closet of my dreams!- but right now I'd settle for functional.  At least he seems sort of with me on the closet.

Calendar

Just finished adding eight things and updating five others on my google calendar.  Though exhausting and sometimes irritating, ultimately I think its great to be busy.  Easter and one of my favorite little sideline holidays -Earth Day- are coming up and everyone has so much planned!  Steve and I are trying to round up hunters for "The Last Easter Egg Hunt at Coolidge Ave", which could end up being really big.  The LFA, Kara's school, is having their annual egg hunt and spring party on Earth Day.  Last year Kara was so cute and did really well, I have some great pictures.  It'll be nice to spend a little extra time with her for a fun event.  Then an Easter dinner on Saturday night at Lorraine's and then Easter Brunch at Tina and Todd's.  If it weren't for the potential for a brotherly blowout between Kurt and Eric I'd be super excited.  When we're at both places all I have to do is watch over Kara -stairs/breakables and wild dog, respectively; I don't have to cook or worry about how grossly messy my home is... Lorraine is always some form of entertaining an Tina and Todd are so cute... Nevermind -I am excited!

Eat

I am always trying to find new and better ways to eat healthy, as well as new motivations and inspirations for healthier, happier living.  Through all that, the most important part of fantasizing about healthy living, is imagining how to fit these ideas into real life, visualizing myself and my family actually eating these healthy revelations. This article speaks to my heart: http://pressroom.consumerreports.org/pressroom/2011/01/my-entry.html.  Not only does it cover nutrition and saving money (Kara needs a new house, Kara needs a new house), but it combines the two: how to get the most nutrition for your money.  I don't know about my two-year-old, but I definitely am not above a little deficiency of taste or flavor in favor of getting nutrition that will help me to have more energy and feel happy and healthier.  As it turns out, you usually don't even have to sacrifice taste when it comes to fresh, nutrient rich food. 

Both of us.

I'm feeling deflated today, despite what I have resolved to do when Kurt picks a fight: remember that your reality is full of blessings and amazing gifts -I have a lot to be happy about.  I have made a pact with myself that more and more often I will simply choose to be happy.  It turns out to be a lot easier that I thought and I'm starting to get the hang of it. 
I  have noticed that Kurt is unhappy, but very little of it is anything that I can help with, and most of the time it seems he simply chooses to be miserable.  He starts smoking pot again, misses a few days of meds, I feel used and don't feel comfortable bringing up sex (which has become a loaded-gun topic anyway)even when I kindof want to, I put my foot down about finally getting the car titled and registered and it comes out that he has been directing (a lot of? or all?) his hatred towards me.  I am his problem. 
After pleading with him and trying to discuss things, he has put in my head (and apparently his) that he is planning and intends to leave. (I've been there buddy.)  I've been through so much arguing and hurt and non-resolution patching with Kurt that, on the one hand, this is very typical and almost comical.  Except, on the other hand, its not.  This could be real.  It's hard to entertain this idea, but, it could also be inevitable.  Like soon. Maybe now.
My heart aches for Kara.  I've been straining so much to avoid this outcome.  I've been hoping, and trying to believe, but not quite, that we could do better.  That we both understood that Kara is worth the effort, and that we are intelligent and decent enough to not accept failure.  My heart will not let him go, that I will fight for us for her sake and because being together, I have come to see, really isn't so bad.  We can definitely do this, we just have to be willing... both of us.
Hopefully this is just the beginning of the next phase, which is always a life-wrenching painful time.  I know I can give more to this cause.  I'm learing more everyday about what and how -pushing out -shoving- the boundaries of my limitations.  I can give more.
Entitled thoughtless self-riteous selfish.  Why is his life so much more important than hers? let alone mine...

So if I'm really going to get into this 'business', how do I write when I'm feeling this way?