Hectic, crazy-feeling rushed weekend with no real actual rest time, but so fun. It was just me and Kara (I didn't even have to see L-dog, though I did 'entertain' a phone call. No Kurt from Friday at 6pm till Sunday 4:30pm. To be said only on this (private) blog, I think a few more days and I might actually have missed him. Maybe I was too caught up in trying to jam a fun weekend for Kara and I in what I knew was really just a short time. We got a little bonding time and what I realized was the big (mental) break for me was not having to food shopping!
I found emails from Maria (Sarno or K-something-y)(Kobrinsky). I'm wondering if he air quote cheated on me or if he really cheated on me. "Did you stick your dick in her?" is what I'd like to ask him. I'm keeping it to myself for now: I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, again the absence of shock and pain just like the pills -a little anxious which I think is just the adrenaline from 'snooping' (I never actually let him know that I thought I should have his email password since he has mine or that I actually already have it ((side note: how weird was it that he didn't hide better his password when we were in the shop signing up for our new smartphones?)). I thinking about how best to stick it in his face as well as waiting for that perfect when best. Anger should hit me first, as it is, but its making me jittery and all out of focus, which is how anger usually hits me, its a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I need some distance from this whole idea. But I also need to process this and how it affects my situation.
I hate Kurt for this, even more than I ever did. Or do I?... It's similar to the pills, I knew he was a liar, a horrible person, an evil force with no conscience, so this is just evidence.
I don't know how I feel. I know I need to calm down and be able to be calm when I think about this. I need to talk about this with someone but I don't know who. I have no one really, no true friend. (I would love to come back and update this...) I'll be writing a lot I suppose -I SHOULD BE! To-do. Every day till it dies.
This should spark my 'extra-income' initiative. Or totally depress and deflate me, as is wont to happen. This tears wide open the whole 'how much longer can I be with Kurt?' I was actually starting to have flashes of a vision that included us connecting later in life, after we put Kara through high school and college... There will be trust issues. It just dawned on me that he will need to make the same declaration of devotion that I have made after I air quote cheated on him. 'Kara is the focal point of any goal. You are important to Kara's well-being, you are important to me. This is workout-able, failure is not an option.' I will doubtfully ever trust him again, though I was never going to trust him anyway! I have been a little freer, a little more at ease, a little more creatively inspired since I let any preconceived notion of him being anything other than less than what I need and the most of the sadness that comes along with that (still working, though I don't want to be totally numb, a little wistfulness at my wasted youth is in order -and I can't blame that all on him).
For Kara. Ever notice how giving yourself the goal of being a better mother really means being a better everything? A better person, a better cook, a better housekeeper, a better financial provider, better at being healthy, better at dealing with emotions, better at being prepared, better at setting goals and achieving them... Here's to the journey of 'better': examining where I am now and clarifying where I want to be while striving to get from here to there.
No comments:
Post a Comment