In a process of letting go. How does it go from seeing him at every odd, uncanny turn, to not. at. all, unless I deliberately walk by? Dreaming of redemption of some sort, and there's no chance to at all.
Found this amongst my 'rubble' and want to be done with it. Too many prying, insensitive eyes. Written while living with L-Dog when Kara was an infant.
"What have I learned? I know I've read a lot and even had quite a few experiences that should inform me on how to keep a level head. -how not to be so depressed.
There is something going on with me that triggers this response of despair that the node of may be misconstrued as having to do with pride. But I don't think its pride, I think it would be wrong to label the root of my issues as a lack of humility. I have a track record, no. No there is no track, no past... I was thinking about how I analyze myself to see if I am overcompensating, using pridefulness -self-righteousness- an attitude of "I have learned this!". But it may not be true. I analyze for it, but I don't remember saying to myself, "yes Jacki, you're overcompensating."
What could it be? the natual reaction of an intelligent being unable to live a life of basic needs... stifled creativity, lack of space to perform everyday bodily maintenance, difficulty clothing, feeding, bathing, sheltering and growing for the baby. The simplest expectations go unfulfilled.
And the attitude -hard to describe. The 'everything's wonderful', the 'I have time to talk about nothingness' attutude. The lack of commitment to do better. Unable to look ahead and see how much worse it will get. Its a psychosis of some sort.
I have no real people in my life... Real people, as in people who live in reality... not necessarily in a pessimistic way.
The starvation for the human-intelligent reciprocal acknowledgment of reality has been pinpointed.
Now, how do I deal in the meanwhile, since that issue is... the resolution of that issue will be an arduous journey and a long time coming, with... people. Other people. These fake people surrounding and stifling and depressing my life. How do I survive?"
The tone of this sounds so odd, robotic. What was I reading then? I got the house. That's how I got out of that. Thanks to my grandmother... and Mary Ann, whose idea I think it may have been when I was looking for our own apartment.
On the same sheet of computer lab paper was this: (Shows I was trying.)
For Kara. Ever notice how giving yourself the goal of being a better mother really means being a better everything? A better person, a better cook, a better housekeeper, a better financial provider, better at being healthy, better at dealing with emotions, better at being prepared, better at setting goals and achieving them... Here's to the journey of 'better': examining where I am now and clarifying where I want to be while striving to get from here to there.
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