It started out as a pretty much an argument, and ended with a hug and hearing Kara cry. He seems like he's really willing to leave, to be pretty positive about it (though it hasn't even been 24 hours and I've had mistrust of his 'epiphanies' beat into me) and we came to a tentative hashed out agreement about Kara. We care about each other, but we're driving each other nuts. And all the while Frank is on my mind... Always worrying that he come to the conclusion that he's 'done'... And Kurt's threats to kill him, wait for us to come home from a date with a bat, leave me scared but indignant, and somewhat devastated. Frank is all I want. I'm not sure I could have gotten to this point without him, and, as far as I'm concerned, we are still unfinished.
He's not here today, which is making me sad and feel a little desparate with a three day weekend looming... a hard three day weekend, with Kurt supposedly moving out, dealing with Kara. I left a message on his phone to call me at the lab this morning, 3:47 and still nothing. Now: should i try him again? ...or leave it be. Still the chest-tightening frustration that all weekend, I can't call or text... AAAH KURT! I HATE YOU!!
I mentioned getting the phones into separate accounts and Kurt said, 'well, we don't have to do that right away, that's just going to be one big bill.' and he's right. I will be $20 dollars more a month to have separate bills. But privacy plus the ability to contact Francisco? Priceless. Truly priceless. I fear I may be pining this weekend, but hopefully, if Kurt stays motivated and gets some good forward momentum going, I will be happier on Tuesday when I see Frank again and have some good news for him. Though I'm frustrated because I know I will finally have some time to myself this weekend and won't be able to see him, which is what I want (I mean honestly) more than anything else, I am hopefull... seeing light, life and love on the horizon.
3:55. He tends to flake... I'm going to try him.
... no answer. ??? My heart is squeezed. It may be best I have my thoughts to myself this weekend as everything goes down. I am not leaving Kurt to go to someone else, I am leaving him to be alone, to be me. "You need time to get back to you.' I know it, I just have to live it now.
For Kara. Ever notice how giving yourself the goal of being a better mother really means being a better everything? A better person, a better cook, a better housekeeper, a better financial provider, better at being healthy, better at dealing with emotions, better at being prepared, better at setting goals and achieving them... Here's to the journey of 'better': examining where I am now and clarifying where I want to be while striving to get from here to there.
